HUMOUR AT THE HUSTINGS

WHAT IS IN A SNORE?

     Kawcaw

What is in a snore?

When I got married, on the wedding night, my wife Raj asked me. “Tell me about your major vices.”

I was in a fix. “If I tell you, you will leave me.”

“No, I will not. Promise.” she said with conviction. “But I need to know”.

I debated within myself, then decided to be frank.

“I smoke,” I said.

“Which brand?” she asked.

“Four Square,” I said, and added, “filter tipped.” Then I volunteered. “But if you insist, I will give it up.”

“No,” she said, “I love the aroma of filter-tipped cigarettes. Anything else?”

“I snore”, I said and laughed. She joined in the laughter.

In thus blithely dismissing snoring as a minor physiological defect, we both committed a major blunder. I presume that all these 47 years it must have been an irritant to Raj, waking her up when a particularly sonorous blast hit her eardrums. In fact, my performance was such that it even woke me up. But we just ignored the phenomenon as an inconsequential aberration.

Till the day I returned from my morning walk and was rewarded with a cup of tea. Suddenly I switched off and the hot tea spilt over my thigh. The damn thing made such a clatter as to summon Raj from the kitchen.

*What happened?” she enquired, picking up the pieces of broken china from the floor.

 I tried to dismiss the whole thing as “one of those things. I probably did not sleep well last night. I must have dozed off. Sorry about the cup. Was it very expensive?”

She raised anxious eyes to my face. “I am not worried about crockery, I am worried about you. The other day, we were talking to Usha and you switched off in the middle of a sentence. You probably went to sleep.”

“Did I? I don’t seem to remember.” I tried to make light of the whole affair.

We left the matter unresolved. One evening I went to attend a lecture at the India International Centre. My brother Predhiman had come to Delhi for a couple of days and I took him along .I was presiding over the function and was seated on the dais, I suppose in full public gaze.

During the presentation of the second speaker, I closed my eyes in order to better concentrate on what he was saying, I told myself. The next thing I knew was a gentle nudge from the third speaker Kapil seated to my right on the dais.

“He is about to finish,” Kapil whispered to me. I woke up. I realized that I had fallen asleep while presiding over a lecture.

On our way back, Predhiman told me that he was wondering how to wake me up without making a scene. He tried to ring up my mobile, but I had put the damn thing in silent mode and it just registered a missed call.

The matter was getting to be serious. Raj insisted that I see a doctor. That is when I learnt that the Pulmonary Department in Safdarjang Hospital also dealt with Sleep Medicine.

When the doctor heard my story, the text duly embellished by Raj, he enquired whether I snored. I thought he was being facetious. What could snoring have possibly to do with it?

But he was dead serious. He told us that snoring was a symptom that showed the body was not getting enough air. I would have to be admitted for a night so that the doctors could study my nocturnal behaviour.

Soon my sleep pattern was converted into computer-generated charts and diagrams, which the doctors studied with all seriousness.

They told us that the graphs revealed that on an average, in one hour, my sleep was interrupted 78 times. This limited the intake of air. I would have to buy a C-pap machine for about 50,000 rupees and use it regularly. Fortunately, I was covered under the C.G.H.S. and they would pick up the tab.

So snoring is no longer a phenomenon that one can dismiss as a joke. It is sleep apnea, a pretty expensive disease. In future, when we investigate the credentials of a prospective son-in-law, along with his horoscope and certificate of being free from AIDS, one would now also have to be sure that he does not snore!

                                         **********************

A SUCKER AND A CHUMP!

                                                  A sucker and a chump!




I vividly remember that day. It was the sixteenth of March, 2014. We had partaken of lunch and sleepily watched an insipid episode of a saas-bahu serial. It was the holy siesta hour of a lazy Sunday afternoon, when you languidly slip into  blissful slumber and do not welcome any impolite intrusions on your privacy.
Suddenly, the telephone struck a strident note. Raj picked up the instrument, mumbling something incoherent under her breath.
“It is your brother Rupji from Pune,” she announced.
I was intrigued. Rupji is not a frequent caller and he would normally respect the sacredness of a post-prandial nap on the holy day of Sabbath.  Something extraordinary must have happened to jolt him into action.
“Yes, Rupji, is everything all right?” I asked a little petulantly.
He did not try to elaborate. Without any introduction, he  said, “ So you are in Delhi. I thought so, I thought so. I told Neeta as much. Did you go to London by any chance?”
I was flummoxed. What was he talking about?  I said,” Look, Rupji, I don’t understand what you are talking about. Why should I go to London? Who would send me to London?”
Rupji sensed the annoyance in my tone. He deigned to elaborate, “ Bhai Sahib, I am not making an idle query. Obviously, some hacker has got into your account and sent a fictitious mail to some of your friends.”
I was jolted into wakefulness. “”Hacker, what are you talking about? What letter?”
“you obviously don’t know. Some miscreant has hacked your e mail account, busted your password and mailed an SOS to some of your friends. The mail says that you are in London and in serious trouble. You have asked me to send you a thousand pounds at a particular address. It is a loan and you have promised to repay it at the soonest. Have you sent out any such call for help?”
I was perplexed. “ Who could have done such a thing and why?” I bleated.
“Well, such pranks made sense a few years back when we were new to internet and telephonic communication was difficult. I am sure any friend of yours who receives this letter will pick up the phone and ring you up. Hardly anyone would send the money without verifying the facts.”
“ What do I need to do?” I asked Rupji.
“For one thing you must change your password. Make it as difficult as possible. Do not use the names of your wife, siblings, children or grandchildren. Do not use the numerals from your date of birth , residential or office address. Put as many spanners as you can—punctuation marks, spaces, capital letters, slashes, hyphens and so on. Also send a counter mail to your friends.”
I thanked Rupji and got to work. As I set about undoing the damage, I discovered that my facebook account had also been hacked. So I changed my passwords, informed all my contacts through a mass mailer and complained to Google mail.
During the next three hours, I was repeatedly called to the phone. A.K.Jalla was in London. Gautam Kaul had rung him from New Delhi and told him about the prank. My batchmate A.K.Das rang up from Lucknow. Incidentally, he informed me about the release of his next book of verse. My nephew Vaibhav researched in Bangalore and found out that the miscreant had first attempted the hacking on 12th March. Google mail got back to say that they were keeping a close watch on my accounts.
Incidentally, many of the mails I sent out to my contacts came back undelivered, as the addresses were wrong.
No friend of mine has so far reported that he was taken in by the prank and sent the desired thousand pounds at the address given. One friend commented that the hacking was not a professional job. No one would send money to a hotel address these days.
When the dust settled down somewhat, my mother made a pertinent remark. “Why did they target my poor son, of all persons?”
No one answered her query. The answer stared us in the face. I was reminded of a prank played on Bertie Wooster in a Wodehouse story. Bertie asked the miscreant why he had targeted him. He replied, “ You looked such a chump I thought you would be an easy victim.”
All my life, people have committed the mistake of taking me for a ride, because I looked such a chump. I am a sucker, but not such a chump as people thought.

*********

A SECRET INTERVIEW WITH RAHUL GANDHI

A Secret Interview with Rahul Gandhi

(Rahul Gandhi gave a TV interview to Arnab Goswami. It was widely condemned. Since then Rahul has been advised to evade TV anchors like the plague. I am not a TV anchor and so he has made an exception in my case.)

I: Good evening, Mr. Gandhi. It is kind of you to agree for a TV interview, especially after your maiden attempt had brought you more brickbats than bouquets.

RG: Good evening. At this stage, the interview is for your eyes only. It will be scanned by my media team. If they approve, you can share it with everybody.

I: Suits me.  Basically, I am on your side. It hurt me to read all those snide comments on Twitter and in the print media. I wish to show that given the chance, you are capable of giving short and pithy answers to pointed questions. Shall we start?

RG:  Go ahead.

I: You are a beneficiary of the dynastic system that prevails in the Congress party. Does this bother you?

RG: No, it does not. There is no dynastic system in the Congress. Jawaharlal Nehru was there purely on his own merits. He was picked up by Mahatma Gandhi.

Nehru did not nominate Indiraji as his successor. In fact, he was succeeded by Lal Bahadur Shastri.

After Shastriji, Indiraji was nominated by the Syndicate. She showed remarkable leadership qualities by winning the only war we have won in India’s long history.

The country tried the Janata experiment, but it did not last. Indiraji had to be brought back.

After Indiraji, Rajiv won a three fourth majority in the Lok Sabha.

Over the years, the country has tried out various options—V.P.Singh, Narasimha Rao, Chandra Shekhar, Deve Gowda, I.K.Gujral et all.

At last, Soniaji had to be brought in. She gave the Congress resounding victories in 2004 and 2009. So what is the big deal?

I: Don’t you feel it shameful that India with its millions of people is unable to find a ruler from among us Indians?

RG: Don’t you see the spirit of self-abnegation shown by Soniaji, when she refused to assume the prime ministership just because she did not wish to impose a Sushma Swaraj minus her hair on the Indian nation?

I: So many things happened during the last five years, but you did not proactively respond?

RG: Contrary to your hype that my word is law within the party, the fact is that until recently nobody listened to me in the inner councils. Whenever I made a suggestion, I was pooh-poohed as a young novice who did not know what he was talking about. It was so frustrating. The only way to uphold one’s dignity was to maintain a studied silence.

I: To whom did you make the suggestions?

RG: At first I spoke to my mother, but her response was, “Come on, Rahul Baba, play with your toys.”

I: Goodness gracious! What was your age at that time?

RG: I was six.

I: Did you expect to be taken seriously at that age?

RG: No, but you can understand my position.

I: Did you try to intervene at the time of the anti-Sikh riots in 1984?

RG: I was just 14 at that time. One of my Sikh friends at school told me that my father’s comment about a banyan tree falling with a great thud had not been appreciated by his parents. I told dad about it. He explained that his Hindi was weak and he had only repeated a proverb that his Hindi tutor had taught him.

I: When you were older, did you talk to Dr. Manmohan Singh about various issues, like the price rise, for instance?

RG: Yes I did. But he was the Prime Minister and so old and experienced and an internationally known economist. So what could I tell him?

I: What did you say and how did he respond?

RG: I told him that onions were selling at hundred rupees a kilo and tomatoes at eighty rupees a kilo. He was surprized. He had not been told about it. That day I learnt that the Prime Minister does not read the newspapers and magazines, does not watch the TV channels, does not buy stuff for his house and does not talk to vegetable and fruit vendors. His sole source of information is the Intelligence Bureau.

I:But does Gursharanji not tell him?

RG: I discovered that the Prime Minister’s family is wholly insulated against such knowledge. The Prime Minister’s House is the centre of bustling activity. There are meetings of the Cabinet, Cabinet Committees, Groups of Ministers.and important visitors. Eatables and vegetables are constantly being prepared. The   Director, Prime Minister’s Household, a senior IAS Officer, runs the entire show. Members of the PM’s Household also partake of the meals. There is a standard charge for the PM’s Family. The amount was fixed in 1950 and has not been revised since.

I: That is quite a revelation. It explains how the PM maintains his composure.

RG: Indeed it does.

I: When did your interventions start having an impact?

RG: I was able to raise the membership of the Youth Congress and the National Students’ Union of India to 25 lakhs. We won the 2009 Lok Sabha elections handsomely, belying all the doomsday prophecies.

I: So were you not given the credit?

RG: No. The funny part is that when the Congress won, it was due to other factors. When it lost, I got the blame.

I: When were you actually commended for what you and you alone had achieved?

RG: Well, it happened so suddenly. Ajay Maken was holding a press conference. I was feeling highly frustrated. The Supreme Court had passed a historic judgement making those convicted of a criminal offence and sentenced to imprisonment for two years or more ineligible for being elected or holding office. I had welcomed the judgement in inner party circles.

I: So?

RG: So I was looking at the news on the internet. It came as a shock to me that the Government was bringing forward an Ordinance to annul the decision. I talked to my mother. She said that if we did not annul the decision, some of our closest allies would be unseated and they would withdraw their support. I was totally frustrated. I left the house to breathe some fresh air.  Suddenly, I found myself in Ajay Maken’s press conference. I went in, not knowing what I was doing. I was highly excited. I got up to leave. Then I sat down in a different chair.

I: Then?

RG: Then you know what happened. I heard myself saying that the Ordinance was nonsense and should be withdrawn. After throwing this bombshell, I literally ran out of the Press club. I did not know how my mother would react to this outburst. The TV channels went viral. They did not understand what was happening. They thought I had gone berserk. But the funny part is that after the din and noise had settled down, everyone fell into line. What I wanted was approved and the Ordinance was withdrawn. Thus I discovered the power of the Moral Action.

I: What would you say are your major achievements?

RG: Well, whatever the Congress has innovated, has been the result of my initiative. That includes the RTI, NREGA, Women’s empowerment, Lok Pal Bill and so on.

I: Some people say that it was the success of the Aam Aadmi Party that pushed you into passing the Lok Pal Bill.

RG: That is partly true. I said as much on television. It vindicated my stand that even in politics “Honesty is the best policy”. I find that the bigwigs in my party are now more amenable to my proposals.

I: But you do not apply this principle in the every day functioning of the party. You did not sack Virbhadra Singh, although there was an open and shut case against him.

RG: I am not at liberty to divulge the details. All I can say is: “Abhi picture baqi hai.”

I: What about Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi?

RG: The law will take its course. We have not given them tickets.

I: Why has the Congress not declared you as its prime ministerial candidate?

RG: Because we do not have a Presidential form of Government. Because the Congress party believes in following the Constitution.

i: But the BJP declared its candidate well in advance.

RG: Because they had so many candidates. Had they not nominated Modi, there would have been utter chaos.

I: Will you be the Prime minister if the UPA comes back to power?

RG: It will be for the MPs to decide.

I: Do you think the UPA will win? All the polls seem to indicate otherwise.

RG: These polls have been proved wrong in the past.

I: But what is your assessment?

RG: I think we will win and form the Government.

I: But everyone says there is a Modi wave sweeping the country.

RG: That is paid news.

I: One last question. When will you marry?

RG: Soon.

I: Thank you, Mr. Gandhi, for being so frank and forthcoming in your answers.

RG: Thank you.

                                         ********************

 A Secret Interview with Rahul Gandhi

(Rahul Gandhi gave a TV interview to Arnab Goswami. It was widely condemned. Since then Rahul has been advised to evade TV anchors like the plague. I am not a TV anchor and so he has made an exception in my case.)

I: Good evening, Mr. Gandhi. It is kind of you to agree for a TV interview, especially after your maiden attempt had brought you more brickbats than bouquets.

RG: Good evening. At this stage, the interview is for your eyes only. It will be scanned by my media team. If they approve, you can share it with everybody.

I: Suits me.  Basically, I am on your side. It hurt me to read all those snide comments on Twitter and in the print media. I wish to show that given the chance, you are capable of giving short and pithy answers to pointed questions. Shall we start?

RG:  Go ahead.

I: You are a beneficiary of the dynastic system that prevails in the Congress party. Does this bother you?

RG: No, it does not. There is no dynastic system in the Congress. Jawaharlal Nehru was there purely on his own merits. He was picked up by Mahatma Gandhi.

Nehru did not nominate Indiraji as his successor. In fact, he was succeeded by Lal Bahadur Shastri.

After Shastriji, Indiraji was nominated by the Syndicate. She showed remarkable leadership qualities by winning the only war we have won in India’s long history.

The country tried the Janata experiment, but it did not last. Indiraji had to be brought back.

After Indiraji, Rajiv won a three fourth majority in the Lok Sabha.

Over the years, the country has tried out various options—V.P.Singh, Narasimha Rao, Chandra Shekhar, Deve Gowda, I.K.Gujral et all.

At last, Soniaji had to be brought in. She gave the Congress resounding victories in 2004 and 2009. So what is the big deal?

I: Don’t you feel it shameful that India with its millions of people is unable to find a ruler from among us Indians?

RG: Don’t you see the spirit of self-abnegation shown by Soniaji, when she refused to assume the prime ministership just because she did not wish to impose a Sushma Swaraj minus her hair on the Indian nation?

I: So many things happened during the last five years, but you did not proactively respond?

RG: Contrary to your hype that my word is law within the party, the fact is that until recently nobody listened to me in the inner councils. Whenever I made a suggestion, I was pooh-poohed as a young novice who did not know what he was talking about. It was so frustrating. The only way to uphold one’s dignity was to maintain a studied silence.

I: To whom did you make the suggestions?

RG: At first I spoke to my mother, but her response was, “Come on, Rahul Baba, play with your toys.”

I: Goodness gracious! What was your age at that time?

RG: I was six.

I: Did you expect to be taken seriously at that age?

RG: No, but you can understand my position.

I: Did you try to intervene at the time of the anti-Sikh riots in 1984?

RG: I was just 14 at that time. One of my Sikh friends at school told me that my father’s comment about a banyan tree falling with a great thud had not been appreciated by his parents. I told dad about it. He explained that his Hindi was weak and he had only repeated a proverb that his Hindi tutor had taught him.

I: When you were older, did you talk to Dr. Manmohan Singh about various issues, like the price rise, for instance?

RG: Yes I did. But he was the Prime Minister and so old and experienced and an internationally known economist. So what could I tell him?

I: What did you say and how did he respond?

RG: I told him that onions were selling at hundred rupees a kilo and tomatoes at eighty rupees a kilo. He was surprized. He had not been told about it. That day I learnt that the Prime Minister does not read the newspapers and magazines, does not watch the TV channels, does not buy stuff for his house and does not talk to vegetable and fruit vendors. His sole source of information is the Intelligence Bureau.

I:But does Gursharanji not tell him?

RG: I discovered that the Prime Minister’s family is wholly insulated against such knowledge. The Prime Minister’s House is the centre of bustling activity. There are meetings of the Cabinet, Cabinet Committees, Groups of Ministers.and important visitors. Eatables and vegetables are constantly being prepared. The   Director, Prime Minister’s Household, a senior IAS Officer, runs the entire show. Members of the PM’s Household also partake of the meals. There is a standard charge for the PM’s Family. The amount was fixed in 1950 and has not been revised since.

I: That is quite a revelation. It explains how the PM maintains his composure.

RG: Indeed it does.

I: When did your interventions start having an impact?

RG: I was able to raise the membership of the Youth Congress and the National Students’ Union of India to 25 lakhs. We won the 2009 Lok Sabha elections handsomely, belying all the doomsday prophecies.

I: So were you not given the credit?

RG: No. The funny part is that when the Congress won, it was due to other factors. When it lost, I got the blame.

I: When were you actually commended for what you and you alone had achieved?

RG: Well, it happened so suddenly. Ajay Maken was holding a press conference. I was feeling highly frustrated. The Supreme Court had passed a historic judgement making those convicted of a criminal offence and sentenced to imprisonment for two years or more ineligible for being elected or holding office. I had welcomed the judgement in inner party circles.

I: So?

RG: So I was looking at the news on the internet. It came as a shock to me that the Government was bringing forward an Ordinance to annul the decision. I talked to my mother. She said that if we did not annul the decision, some of our closest allies would be unseated and they would withdraw their support. I was totally frustrated. I left the house to breathe some fresh air.  Suddenly, I found myself in Ajay Maken’s press conference. I went in, not knowing what I was doing. I was highly excited. I got up to leave. Then I sat down in a different chair.

I: Then?

RG: Then you know what happened. I heard myself saying that the Ordinance was nonsense and should be withdrawn. After throwing this bombshell, I literally ran out of the Press club. I did not know how my mother would react to this outburst. The TV channels went viral. They did not understand what was happening. They thought I had gone berserk. But the funny part is that after the din and noise had settled down, everyone fell into line. What I wanted was approved and the Ordinance was withdrawn. Thus I discovered the power of the Moral Action.

I: What would you say are your major achievements?

RG: Well, whatever the Congress has innovated, has been the result of my initiative. That includes the RTI, NREGA, Women’s empowerment, Lok Pal Bill and so on.

I: Some people say that it was the success of the Aam Aadmi Party that pushed you into passing the Lok Pal Bill.

RG: That is partly true. I said as much on television. It vindicated my stand that even in politics “Honesty is the best policy”. I find that the bigwigs in my party are now more amenable to my proposals.

I: But you do not apply this principle in the every day functioning of the party. You did not sack Virbhadra Singh, although there was an open and shut case against him.

RG: I am not at liberty to divulge the details. All I can say is: “Abhi picture baqi hai.”

I: What about Ashok Chavan and Suresh Kalmadi?

RG: The law will take its course. We have not given them tickets.

I: Why has the Congress not declared you as its prime ministerial candidate?

RG: Because we do not have a Presidential form of Government. Because the Congress party believes in following the Constitution.

i: But the BJP declared its candidate well in advance.

RG: Because they had so many candidates. Had they not nominated Modi, there would have been utter chaos.

I: Will you be the Prime minister if the UPA comes back to power?

RG: It will be for the MPs to decide.

I: Do you think the UPA will win? All the polls seem to indicate otherwise.

RG: These polls have been proved wrong in the past.

I: But what is your assessment?

RG: I think we will win and form the Government.

I: But everyone says there is a Modi wave sweeping the country.

RG: That is paid news.

I: One last question. When will you marry?

RG: Soon.

I: Thank you, Mr. Gandhi, for being so frank and forthcoming in your answers.

RG: Thank you.

                                         ********************

The Tall Man of Timarpur

Kawcaw

 

The Tall Man of Timarpur

 

Ever since I crossed the Biblical age of three score and ten, I got the fancy notion in my head that I was now old. So I started walking slow, talking slow, eating slow and in short, doing everything slow.

My friend Mukund Kaushal told me at the end of a meeting, “Maharaj, I will have to talk to Bhabhijaan.I wish to tell her that you are playing a game. All you need is a mental resolve to speed up and hey presto, you will revert back to status quo ante.”

Mukund was once a Commissioner of Police in Delhi and is a man of the world. He is trained to distinguish the fake from the real. His pep talk helped and I improved my speed whenever I became self-conscious.

 A few months later, my brother Kakaji came on a visit. We went for a morning walk together. He noticed my slow, measured gait.

After a while, he could not resist the temptation. He said, “Bhai Sahib! Have you not heard the limerick which starts with the line There was a tall man of Timarpur… I forget what the tall man did, but what I mean is that when you walk why don’t you walk tall? Walk like the tall man of Timarpur.”

I am myself very fond of limericks. I replied, “I have heard of the man from Nantucket and the tall man from Cornwall. But this is the first time I am hearing about the tall man from Timarpur.”

Kakaji said, “Suppose you were asked to make a limerick on this first line, how would you go about it?”

“Well”, I replied, “I would change Timarpur to Timarpore. Easier to have words to rhyme with Timarpore.”

“Okay,” said Kakaji, “Let us do that. What next?”

 I was game. I responded warmly, “Well let us try it out:

 

There was a tall man of Timarpore

Who was somewhat of a bore

When he walked fast,

The pace wouldn’t last

All he ended up with was a foot-sore.”

 

“Bravo,” exclaimed my younger brother. Kakaji’s advice helps. Whenever I remember, I try to walk tall like the man from Timarpore.

I have a memory of my own. Once I had to go to Jammu. The train was to depart from Old Delhi Railway Station at 9-30 p.m. Unfortunately, we got held up by a massive traffic jam and reached the station at 9-30 p.m. sharp. I got out of the car at the outside gate and accosted a coolie.

“Jammu Mail”, I said.

The coolie grimaced. “Sorry Sir. I think the train has left.”

“Let us try. Maybe it has not left yet.” I was hoping against hope.

“I think I heard the announcement. It has probably gone.” The coolie was equally adamant.

“Here, take this attaché and run. I shall follow you. You will get a hundred rupees in any case,” I said.

I shall never forget that scene. The coolie picked up the attaché and dashed. I ran after him. When we reached Platform number one, he pointed towards the P.A. system telling everyone that Jammu Mail had left from platform number twelve. The coolie stopped with an air of finality.

“Bhaiya!” I pleaded with him. “You have come this far. Why not take me to platform number twelve?”

Reluctantly he headed towards the said platform. Miracle of miracles! The train was still there. We raced towards Coach A-2 where I had a reservation and I occupied my seat. I gave a hundred rupee note to the coolie and thanked him besides.

When I slow down during my morning walk, I pretend that I have nearly missed a train. The fat lady racing about twenty yards ahead seems to be the coolie carrying my bag. I have got to keep pace with her if I wish to catch the train.

Believe you me, this simple strategy works. I hasten forward.

When everything else fails, I go back mentally to 1967. I am again Sub Divisional Magistrate, Sadar Bazar in Delhi. Gen. Bhagwati Sharan Singh has selected me to lead the Civil Defence contingent in the Republic Day parade on 26^th January. I have been given the olive green uniform and a colonel’s pips. For one long month a Junior Commissioned Officer trains me in marching.

The arm has to be held straight, the fist clenched and the thumb tops the fist .In the forward movement, the fist has to reach shoulder level. In the backward movement, the arm has to go as far back as possible. The rule is: more you make the backward movement, more the swing will be and greater the speed of movement.

 You have to look 200 metres ahead. The neck is to be held straight. The chest is to be held stiff and forward.

The foot must hit the ground with the heel, not the toe. Lengthen the step as much as you can.

So if everything else fails, I go back to 1967 and march as if I am twenty five years old.

To sum up, if it comes to the crunch, I adopt an omnibus approach. I am self-conscious, I become as tall as the man from Timarpur, I pursue a coolie and I march smartly on Raj Path.

One thing or the other is bound to click!

 

 

                                        ***************

 

T

A FIVE POINT AGENDA ( IN LIGHTER VEIN)

Silly Point
A Five Point Agenda
(in lighter vein )
What political parties should do before the elections
Bharatiya Janata Party
 One month before the elections, it should drop Narendar Modi and nominate L.K.Advani or Sushma Swaraj as the Prime Ministerial candidate.
 If Modi is to be retained, he should express regret in public for having neglected his Rajdharma in 2002. The apology should be tendered in the benign presence of Atal Behari Vajpayee.
 Modi should dump the likes of Amit Shah. He should release  the jailed IAS and IPS officers and reinstate the ones under suspension.
 Modi should express his views on the Mukesh Ambani affair.
 Modi should agree to exclusive interviews with Arnab Goswami and Rajat Sharma and not walk out of the studio whatever be the provocation.
Congress
• Congress should nominate Sonia Gandhi as its Prime Ministerial candidate, with Rahul as the Minister for Clean Politics, Dynastic Affairs, Youth Affairs and Sports.
• The Jana Lokpal Bill and other anti-corruption measures should be brought in as Ordinances. Arvind Kejriwal may be inducted into the party as  Informal Chief Adviser (Anti-corruption Movement).
• All candidates named in the various scams should be denied tickets. Tickets may instead be given to their wives or mistresses.
• Some prominent scamsters may be jailed, through the CBI or in spite of the CBI.
• Pre-poll alliances with tainted politicians and their parties may be avoided. Such alliances can be better managed after the elections.
Third Front
 The Front should evolve a consensus on who will be Prime Minister,  Co- Prime Minister,Deputy Prime Minister, Assistant Prime Minister etc. in case the Front wins.
 The parties constituting the Front should not enter into post-poll alliance with its competitors, howsoever attractive the offer.
 The Front should accept a Common Minimum  ( or Uncommon Maximum) Programme before the polls.
 In case there are members with giant-sized egos, they should be arranged in diminishing order of size and the person with the largest size nominated as the Leader.
 The Right and the Left should practise marching with the Centre for at least one hour, morning and evening.
Aam Aadmi Party
 Arvind Kajriwal should stop saying that he is an aam aam aadmi. He should lay claim to being a khaas aam aadmi.
 Yogendra Yadav should give up psephology and concentrate on politics. In particular, he may take lessons on governance in six month easy  instalments from Ashok Khemka.
 The AAP should declare its intention not to accept the prime minister’s chair, except after a nationwide referendum.
 Arvind Kejriwal should make his peace with Anna Hazare by conferring the title of Mahatma on him. He should mollify Kiran Bedi by promising her the Home Ministry in case he wins.
 Aam Aadmi Party should not accept outside , inside, upside or downside support to form the Government in Delhi, if they do not get a majority on their own.

You and Me
  Let us keep our cool and not get excited over the competing factions. Their apparent fights are like the wrestling matches of WWF, mock-staged for our benefit
  Let us all vote. If no candidate is suitable in a constituency, let us all vote, “None of the above”. Alternatively, we may vote, “All of the above”.
  Let us refuse to accept freebies, howsoever attractive or expensive
  Let us elect ladies, howsoever unattractive or expensive.
  Let us give our support to the best candidate irrespective of his  or her party  label. Inside, they are all the same. They only appear to be different.
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THE SECOND COMING OF ARVIND KEJRIWAL

The Second Coming of Arvind Kejriwal

          In a piece entitled “The Rise and Fall of Team Anna” in G-files soon after the Lok Pal Bill was not passed by the Rajya Sabha about two years back,, I had asked a rhetorical question: Will there be a Second Coming for Team Anna? I noted that the Christians had been waiting in vain for the second coming of Jesus Christ for the last two thousand years. The Buddhists similarly believed that Gautama the Buddha will come again as Lord Maitreya . The Theosophists led by Anne Besant even projected Jiddu Krishnamurti as Lord Maitreya, but the anointed apostle threw off the yoke, disbanded the Order of the Star and declared that he was not the Messiah.

          Would there be a Second coming for Team Anna, I asked. My answer was: “I doubt it. They had their chance and they missed it.”

          I was wrong. Kejriwal has bounced back.

             Today, Arvind Kejriwal is a phenomenon. He has suddenly burst on the national scene like an unlikely comet, leaving old stalwarts open mouthed in dismay. He pontificates on political issues with the confidence of an old campaigner, and enunciates the elements of a new utopia with messianic fervour.

               Having heard him define the New Polity in driblets, I wanted to see whether there was a document which contained the detailed contours  of his proposal. I discovered a slim 151 page book called Swaraj published by Harper Collins in August 2012. It is priced at a modest Rs. 150, as Arvind has forgone his royalty.

               It is curious that Arvind should have called his manifesto “Swaraj”, just like Mahatma Gandhi. I have often felt that Gandhi is the unstated inspiration for Arvind, with a broad similarity of perceptions with regard to the primacy of the village, non-violent non-cooperation, peaceful agitation, fast unto death, involvement of millions of common people, taking up issues with high emotive appeal, hating the sin and not the sinner, simplicity in personal life and so on. Like Gandhi, he has a soft exterior, but inside he is as tenacious as steel. The list is virtually endless.

               The book has a Foreword by Anna Hazare, who calls it the manifesto of the India of tomorrow. Those were happier days before the two stalwarts of the “India against Corruption” movement drifted apart. The reasons for the split have now come out into the open. Arvind wanted to launch a new political party. Anna felt that politics was like mud; they would be sullied by the contact. Arvind argued that if politics was mud, they would need to get into the mire and clean it up. This conflict of perception is reminiscent of the differences that cropped up between Gandhi and Nehru on many issues like the acceptance of partition, appeasement of Mohammad Ali Jinnah and the disbandment of the Congress Party after the achievement of freedom, to give only a few examples.

               In his Preface, Arvind says that we fought for independence from the British because we wanted swaraj or self-rule. But this did not happen. The British went away but their system remained in place. What Indians want is swaraj or self-rule. We do not want leaders and officers sitting in Delhi to formulate development schemes for the people.

               Self-rule means that Government should function according to the wishes of the people. Laws, rules and regulations should be formulated with the consent and participation of the people. The people should decide all momentous issues in a scientific , systematic manner, so that our resources like land, water, coal, iron ore etc. are not taken away by foreign governments and investors, domestic business houses, corrupt politicians and bureaucrats for a pittance.

               In the present system of governance, the people have only one right: the right to vote for their representatives in the Parliament, vidhan sabha, and self-governing institutions like Panchayati Raj bodies and municipal committees and corporations. This power is exercised only once in five years. The politicians woo the voters for a little while during the electoral process and promptly forget them for the next five years.

               The people have no control over the Govt. employees who are supposed to serve them. Even if the teacher does not attend the school, the doctor does not give medicines or the constable does not record their FIR, they have no remedy except to complain to their superiors with little effect. The Gram Sabha cannot summon these employees for an explanation, stop their salaries or punish them.

               The people have no control over the govt. funds. Whenever the people demand something to be done, they are told that there are no funds. On the other hand, there are plenty of funds for schemes like old age pensions, widow pensions, NREGA,ration etc. formulated on all India basis by planners sitting in Delhi and state capitals.

               The people are not consulted while formulating laws, rules and schemes. Nobody asks them when their land is acquired for the benefit of foreign and indigenous companies. Natural resources are allotted to large business houses, charging them a tiny fraction of what they earn from their disposal. The forests which used to serve the needs of tribals living in or near them and were not interfered with even by the mighty British were taken over by the Forest departments after independence and massive deforestation took place.

               In many cities, water is being distributed by companies. Whole rivers are being gobbled up in the wake of dam construction.

               Kejriwal poses the question of why India is up for sale and why the people are unable to do anything to stave off the challenge.

               His answer: There is no democracy in India. The people have understood the game. They do not find the politics of voting once in five years as acceptable. “We, the people” want a direct participation in power. In Kejriwal’s utopia, the people shall take decisions, and politicians and officials will have to implement them.

               It might be argued that a decentralized democracy exists in India, but the Panchayati Raj system suffers from several infirmities. The panchayats have very limited powers. And whatever limited powers they have vest in the Sarpanch and not in the Gram Sabha. The people have no power to take action against a corrupt Sarpanch. All the powers vest in the district collector and the state government. What is required is a shift of powers from the State govts, district collectors and sarpanches to the gram sabhas.

                Arvind has cited the examples from other countries to demonstrate that he is not suggesting something unique or eccentric. In the US, a small municipality in the state of Oregon disallowed a proposal of Walmart to open a store in their town. Their decision was final. In Brazil, a budget for slum areas was prepared on the streets in consultation with the beneficiaries and even the World Bank had to concede that there was consequently tremendous development. In Switzerland, if 50,000 persons sign a petition and ask for a law, it has to be presented as an act in the parliament.

               Thus there is direct participation in governance in many countries of the world.

               So what actually needs to be done? Arvind says that the gram sabhas which consist of all the residents of a village should be vested with all powers. They should appoint the local officials and have the power to summon anyone to the meeting of the sabha. They should have the power to punish and to stop the salary.

               No schematic funds should be spent in a village. It would be better to allot an untied fund to the sabha, which they can spend as they wish. They could give a house to a homeless family or support some indigent with food grains or grant a loan to a person for starting a business or set up factories or grain banks. Thus they could ensure that no one in the village died of hunger or was forced to take a loan from a moneylender at an exorbitant rate of interest or committed suicide due to frustration

               Towards the end, Kejriwal anticipates the various misgivings people have about the proposed reforms package. He pooh-poohs the suggestion that vesting of powers in the Gram Sabhas will inexorably lead to corruption, favouritism, groupism, repression of Dalits, strengthening of outdated     institutions like khap panchayats, perpetuation of traditional social evils and so on.

               He goes on to suggest that there should be mohalla sabhas in towns too and all the suggestions made for empowering gram sabhas should be applied to urban areas too.

               Swaraj: A Critical Appraisal

               There is no doubt in my mind that Arvind Kejriwal has hit upon a fundamental truth about the system of governance in this country. It is that we have over centralised the entire structure of economic planning. On the one hand we wish to remove controls and empower the private sector, but on the other hand we have not dismantled the planning apparatus, a reminder of the balmy days of the socialistic pattern of society and the Mahalnobis model and development of the commanding heights of the economy.

               Many of us have balked at the distinction made in the various budgets between plan and non-plan expenditure, a distinction that has harmed the system of governance more than any other factor. In our topsy turvey system we get unlimited amounts of money to build new assets, schemes and projects, but we are starved to death in respect of maintenance of assets and infrastructure already in existence.

               The media has been playing the usual games. After the AAP’s surprise win in December 2013, they raised Arvind to the skies and catapulted him to the pedestal of a possible winner of the plum position of PM. The latest opinion polls have predicted just 7 to 12 seats to AAP in the elections to the Lok Sabha . The political parties and their supporters in big business and the media are attacking Arvind and his chief lieutenants like sharks on non-issues like a poem written six years ago, a dharna against police inaction and a foiled attempt to persuade the police to raid a suspect premises.

               They fail to recognize a paradigm shift in the political dialogue of this country. It is immaterial whether Arvind Kejriwal and the AAP survive. Politics in India will never be the same again.

               Arvind Kejriwal has had his Second Coming. Whether he is the messiah we have all been waiting for, only time will tell!

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